Two full months since I had my incredible experience with the Stairway instrumental ride, and it was only today that I followed Allie’s guidance for lesson 7. At last. Perhaps I was scared.
At least I avoided chasing, but in the last couple of weeks, more and more thoughts crept in that I wanted to have something like this again. I had reread my report from February a few times, but it felt far away and somewhat unreal, as if it had not happened, a one-time fluke that would have to be repeated to be validated. I had been training for seven in April, but even though today is day 11, I still felt out of form yesterday.
I had only managed a few mild mindgasms, and with difficulty. (Typically, I had had better results from day 6 or 7 onwards.) Two days ago, Eternal Flame. An extremely enjoyable experience, as usual, but not exactly successful.
Yesterday’s session pretty meh. I took it as a good sign. Still, I was frustrated, and all I could think about was that today’s lesson, for a number of reasons, was bound to be a disappointment. I tried to convince myself that all that mattered was to get familiar with it this time so that more could come later. I shared my self-doubts, and got some good and helpful words of encouragement, which made me feel better before I went to sleep.I clearly needed that. So much for the backstory.

Today. Having coffee on my couch, feeling relaxed, in a calm good mood, determined to do lesson 7 as planned. Yesterday I was picturing the circumstances that would make me postpone it again, but now this isn’t an option. Source awake and excited. Let’s do this. Back to bed. I lie down, start the app, and… listen to the Allie loop. At least 10 minutes. Trying to relax. R-e-l-a-x. Breathe!!
It’s difficult, and I realize it won’t get any better. I hit the play button, and manage to focus. All is well. Wait, am I supposed to flex physically to warm up the muscles? Whatever, I settle for mentally coz I could use more practice. Works nicely. The first flex, and there’s a slight cramp in my right calf. Oh, great. But I pay it no mind, and it goes away.
 I follow the exercises, a lot feels right. I can do this. Time passes, all is still going well. A thought in the back of my mind: why did I not do this sooner, why the worriedness? It hit me out of nowhere. The eyelid fluttering. That’s a good sign. It increases. I let it. I don’t believe this. It does not matter. I don’t think, I don’t do anything. I just let it happen. My body is trembling. I’m shaking. Don’t know why, don’t care. Losing control! I laugh, I cry, I gasp for air! Uncontrollable vocalizations. I am possessed, must sound like a madman.
Yes!! Oh yes, back in the super-o-zone! I can’t believe it! This is beautiful! Thankfully, I don’t know what to do. My body does. It remembers. And it figured this out on its own! I can’t hear the music anymore, nor what Allie is trying to teach me. It does not matter. I have everything I need. Dizziness. Another wave. My head is about to explode, can’t take it, I back off, but don’t lose it. My face is tingling. Yes, that’s how it was!
Unlike the first time, I manage to compose myself a few times, but just for a moment, I’m not in control. This stuff really works, it was not a fluke the first time! A sentence keeps repeating itself in my head: ‘I am a true believer now. Afterwards, I listen to “Allie dreams” to cool down. My face is still tingling. Oh wow.
The first time it was the excitement about the new, today it is the relief about the verification. A deep sigh escapes me when I close the app. ‘Thank you.’ To whom it may concern. The universe. 🙏 I get up from the bed, my back is arched, my legs are trembling, I feel weak and happy and wonder if I will be hugging the next door frame again, but I make it into the bathroom.
I wash my hot face, look into the mirror and don’t know if what I see is familiar. The tingles are still faintly there. I can make them come back. Another short burst of cry-laughing. I’m hungry. I crave chocolate. Haven’t had breakfast yet. But instead I turn on the computer, I need to write. Yesterday I was so completely sure I would not experience anything unusual today and that I must not hope for an encore. And just as sure as I was, I was wrong. It’s better to let the body do the thinking with this.